Peter the Wonder Bunny and His Magical Friends
by Lura
Summary: The second (and funnier) of the Peter the Wonder Bunny series. This story introduces an original character, how fun. Funnier than the first, but try to read them in order. Please R&R :)


Peter the Wonder Bunny's Magical Adventure  
a.k.a.  
Spam, anyone?  
  
Disclaimer: I own Pokémon! Pokémon Blue, Silver, Gold, Stadium, and Snap, to be exact. Other than that, I don't really own anything. Oh, the Anonymous Writer and I *do* own Dr. Spiffy!!! He's our original character, he's supposed to be a combination of us. Don't worry if you don't understand his condition, we don't either.  
  
Contact: As before, the Anonymous Writer can be contacted at Ralf1907@hotmail.com and I can be contacted at Geijutsuka324@hotmail.com Enjoy!  
~ Lura  
  
WARNING: This story is Censored Retail American Product  
  
  
Ash, Misty, and Brock were walking in the woods again. They were bored, and the woods were boring. There were no little trees, and it was all too wettish for Brock to set fire to.  
"This is all Sailor Moon's fault!" whined Ash.  
"Shut up before I kill you," said Misty. It was another one of those days. She felt very fat. Little did she know that pregnant women are very cute.   
They continued walking until they came across an ugly tree that was in their old sleeping bags.  
"That's our sleeping bags!" shouted Misty.  
"That's an ugly tree," said Ash.  
Brock's eyes got all wobbly. "That's no tree! That's my British!"  
"Oh, go eat Argentinean beef!" yelled the British.  
"Beef, go!" called Ash. The beef jumped out of Ash's pants.  
The dead cow jumped out of Brock's not-so-empty pants to join the beef.  
"Wanna make somethin' of it?!" snapped the Argentinean beef and Brock's dead cow.  
"Bring it on!" shouted the British, who was still in the sleeping bags.  
Without thinking enough to be confused, Brock jumped in between the Argentinean Beef and the British. He pulled a guitar out of his pants. He then pulled a chair out of his pants and sat on it. He started strumming on his guitar.  
"Stop the war stop stop the war..." he sang.  
"Brock, get out of the war between the British and the Beef!!!" shouted Ash.  
"Stop the war stop stop the war..."  
"You're going down!" the beef yelled to the British.  
"I'll grill you for dinner and laugh as I eat you, you ugly beef!" shouted the British.  
"Ugly? Well, you dress like a freaking priest in bellbottoms!" the beef and cow retorted.  
"Stop stop the war…PEACE! " Brock made a peace sign. Then he realized that his song hadn't worked. He started strumming the guitar again.  
"There's a hoooouuuuuse in New Orleeeeaans!!!" he sang, very much out of tune.  
"AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!" shouted Ash, Misty, the Argentinean Beef, the dead cow and the British, covering their ears. "MAKE IT STOP!!!"  
"There's a hooooouse..."   
Misty punched Brock over the horizon. The Argentinean Beef, the dead cow and the British started warring again.  
There was a rustling in the bushes. "This looks like a job for..." Brock jumped out of the bushes, wearing his apron. "Apron Man!" he finished.  
"Someone kill me now," said Misty.  
"I have an escape rope! We can hang you!" cried Ash, reaching into his… pocket.  
"If you have an escape rope, why aren't we escaping?" shouted Misty, who had grown fangs.  
In the background, Brock was busy hitting the British over the head with his Spatula of Doom. He was also grilling the beef. It was tasty, and made him happy.  
Misty and Ash suddenly spun around and landed in front of the last Pokémon Center they had been to, which was located in Puce Village.  
"Hey, this is where we found out you were pregnant!" shouted Ash.  
"We'll name the baby Toad Button, okay?" suggested Misty.  
Brock suddenly fell out of the sky and landed in a spiky bush next to them. "No!" he cried. "We have to name it Yogurt!"  
"Why don't we compromise and name it Nathan?" asked Ash.  
"And Toby if it's a girl!" squealed Misty excitedly. She then hollered New York in Brock's spiky bush. He was upset. Ash and Misty were not.  
They continued walking. Suddenly, a squirrel leapt out of the bushes and sniffed the air.  
"What's that?" asked Ash, taking out his Pokédex.  
"A squirrel," said the Pokédex helpfully.  
"Oh, it's soooo CUTE!" said Misty, reaching out to pet the squirrel.  
"What's a squirrel?" asked Brock. He was confused.  
"MISTY!!!! DON'T PET THE SQUIRREL!!!" shouted Ash.  
"Why not?" *inquired * Misty.  
"Don't you know that by the time they're ten months old, 4 out of 5 squirrels have rabies?!" Ash said. The squirrel started looking worried.  
"Ash, this squirrel isn't foaming at the mouth or anything! It's not rabid!" Misty concluded. The squirrel sighed a mushroom cloud, relieved.  
"But a squirrel could have rabies since it was born and not show any affects! It could be rabid right now and not know it!" cried Ash desperately. The squirrel started sweatdropping.  
"Maybe we should take it to a Pokécenter to see if it has rabies," suggested Brock.   
"Good idea. But before I stuff it into a Pokéball, which will be way too small for it to fit into, I will have to beat it senseless. It will be very painful," he added as an afterthought. The squirrel now looked very distraught.  
"ASH! STOP HARASSING THE SQUIRREL!!!" Misty vociferated.  
"But don't worry, little squirrel," Ash started to say, looking at the poor harassed squirrel, "When I beat you up, they will play happy background music, because I'm the good guy! Unlike that evil Lawrence the Third in his ugly computer-generated flying machine…" The squirrel was now extremely worried. It looked around frantically.  
Suddenly a five-foot tall Growlithe jumped out from behind some nearby bushes. "Growl!" it said, and seemed to be conversing with the worried squirrel. Then it nodded and jumped back into the bushes. Brock was confused.  
Three seconds later an eight-foot tall guy with strange hair came out of the bushes, accompanied by his gigantic Growlithe. "I've had reports that you've been harassing a squirrel," he said. Ash nodded. "Did you know that worrying squirrels is illegal in Missouri?"  
"What's Missouri like? Is there a Gym there?" Ash asked. Brock and Misty shrugged.  
"Well, it has forests…" the guy started to say.  
"Oh, so it must be a shade of green then," Misty said.  
"Well…"  
"Growl, growlithe!" the Growlithe butted in.  
The guy suddenly looked very angry. His head got big and he grew fangs. "YOU INSULTED LAWRENCE'S KICK-ASS FLYING MACHINE??!!!" he yelled, then broke down and started crying. "Ever since I saw that kick-ass flying machine, I've wanted a kick-ass flying machine! It's just not fair! I also want clicky sticks, carp insurance, a dictionary, Tracey, and an excuse to use the word 'tribulation' in the context of a sentence! But do I ever get what I want? No!" He started sobbing. His Growlithe came over and sat in his lap. He petted it.  
"Um, who are you?" *inquired * Misty.  
The guy suddenly stopped crying and stood up, a big smile on his face. The Growlithe fell out of his lap and landed in a heap. "My name is Doctor Spiffy!" he said, "and I think I'll join you on your adventure! You're Ash, Misty, and Brock, aren't you?" he asked. Ash, Misty, and Brock nodded. "Yay!" exclaimed Dr. Spiffy. "I landed in the right spot! I'm protector of worried squirrels everywhere, and Growlithe enthusiast extroardinaire! I must have at least twenty. This is my Growlithe, Growl-Stu." He pat the five-foot tall Growlithe that was still in a heap on the ground. "Here, have a Growlithe," he said, handing Ash a Pokéball.   
"Yay!" exclaimed Ash. He twirled around. "I…got…Growlithe!" he yelled, posing.  
"Oh, and as a bonus, I'll give you this piece of rare candy," said Dr. Spiffy, pulling a piece of rare candy out of his pants. "Use it on your new Growlithe, okay?"  
"Yay!" Ash squealed. "I…got…rare…candy!" he said, posing again. He then told Growlithe to come out of his Pokéball. Growlithe came out. Ash offered him the piece of rare candy, which he ate. Growlithe then grew a level. Ash suddenly looked up at Dr. Spiffy, who was towering over him.  
"You make me feel small," he whined. Dr. Spiffy patted him on the back, knocking him face-first into a pile of mud which had conveniently appeared.  
"You just feel small because your dog got bigger," Dr. Spiffy reassured him. "So what are we standing around for? Let's go!" he said excitedly.  
They walked to the water, where they decided to fish. Ash was using the good rod. Brock was using an old rod. Dr. Spiffy was using a super rod, and Misty was using the crappy rod.   
"Hey!" shouted Misty, as Something tugged on the line. "I've got Something!"  
"Really?" asked Brock.  
"No," said Misty as she threw it back into the water, "it was just another ten year old boy being chased by Something."  
"Oh," said everybody. They went back to fishing.  
"Hey!" shouted Misty as her crappy rod bent, "This time I think I've caught a Pokémon!" She reeled in the line. There was a magikarp attached to it.   
"There's something strange about that Magikarp," said Ash.  
"That's because it's got fangs, you idiot!" shouted Dr. Spiffy.   
"Oh," said Brock, "I see them now!" Misty decided to keep her fanged Magikarp. She stuffed it into a Pokéball.   
After three more hours of fishing, Ash had one goldeen and three magikarp. Brock had two magikarp that immediately died. Dr. Spiffy had one golduck, three goldeen, five horseas, one seadra, two slowpokes, fifteen magikarp and one bad sunburn. Misty only had the fanged Magikarp.  
"I'm going to cook us something," announced Brock, pulling out his magical lighter.  
"We better go," said Dr. Spiffy, eyeing Brock suspiciously.  
"Yeah, that lighter is dangerous." Misty was remembering back to their Little Tree days.  
They went and walked in the wettish forest. They were discussing issues.   
Suddenly, Dr. Spiffy started having spasms. He grabbed his head.  
"Sr……Sr. Allred…" he wheezed, "Don't move to California! Don't…" he suddenly jerked. "There are sounds in the walls that're coming from the boys who…" his eyes suddenly rolled up into his head. Ash and Misty were confused. Dr. Spiffy jerked again. "Alastair Doesn't Know!" he cried. "Alastair still doesn't know! Alastair doesn't want to know! Why Alastair doesn't want to know! What Alastair doesn't want to know! Oh My God! You're Killing Alastair, and he still doesn't know!!!" Dr. Spiffy spazzed. "Squinty!" he said happily, a big grin spreading over his face. "Spiky! Lumpy! Stumpy! It's time for your BAAAAAATH!!!!!" Dr. Spiffy stopped shaking. His eyes came back. He stood up.  
"Growl?" said Growl-Stu, who had been forgotten earlier. He was relieved to have finally been remembered.  
"Are you okay?" asked Misty.  
"Yes," said Dr. Spiffy, "Why do you ask? And why did we stop? Come, Growlithe!" he called, and Growl-Stu trotted after him.  
"Isn't he named Growl-Stu?" *inquired * Misty.  
"NO! I never nickname my Pokémon!" Dr. Spiffy vociferated.  
"I'm hungry!" whined Ash.  
"No!" shouted Misty, grabbing his shirt collar, "We are NOT going back there with Brock again!"  
"But…" Ash protested. Misty began walking, and Ash was forced to slump.  
Soon, everyone was hungry. "These are poisonous berries," announced Dr. Spiffy. "They taste good, but they are bad."  
Ash grabbed some and stuffed them in his mouth. Misty did the same. "Yum!" she cried.  
"If you people are so desperate for food, we'll go back to camp." Dr. Spiffy began walking. Growlithe followed him.  
Ash and Misty were walking next to them. Every now and then, they stopped to pick some more berries. Soon they were laughing like idiots.  
"You know what?" asked Ash.  
"You sound drunk, young man." Dr. Spiffy paused. "Okay, what is it?" he asked.  
"You're huge!" Ash squealed. He and Misty broke into a fit of insane laughter.  
"You're the Amazing Fat Man!" exclaimed Misty yeastily.   
"I'm not fat!" he protested.  
"Yes you are!" Ash began hopping up and down. "Just look at your big fat waist!"  
"If my waist was any smaller, my upper body would fall off!" Dr. Spiffy looked offended.  
"And you could rake the ground with your hair!" Ash added.  
Back at camp, Brock was flipping Spam all over the place, and he kept looking around nervously and giggling.  
The others soon returned to the table. Ash and Misty were almost back to normal. The four of them sat down at the table.  
Brock served them the Spam.  
"Are you sure we're supposed to eat this stuff plain?" asked Ash.  
"Yes! I am the culinary master! Now eat!" exclaimed Brock. He stabbed his Spam with a fork, and it screamed.  
Ash had a very sharp knife. He kept sawing and sawing at his Spam, but it refused to be cut. He was forced to swallow it whole.  
Misty took a few careful bites of her Spam. "This certainly is Spammy!" she remarked. Then she poked it with a fork a couple times before yelling, "Oh my God! There's a finger in my Spam!"  
Everyone looked at their plates. Dr. Spiffy looked disgusted. "We're throwing this away!" he ordered.  
Brock looked offended, but obediently threw away the Spam. It landed with a 'boing' in the forest.   
"We are suing the Spam company!" shouted Misty.  
"We'll do better than that!" shouted Dr. Spiffy. "We'll cussue them!"  
"Huh?" Brock was confused.  
"That means that we'll sue them, and then cuss…cuss…cuss…" Dr. Spiffy suddenly fell to the ground and twitched. "Heated happy breeding!" he said happily. He twitched again. "Smiling rabbits in microwaves! The cool trainers are attacking! Send out Professor Oak!" he twitched again. His eyes rolled up into his head. Brock was confused. "When a petal falls from the brink of time…" Dr. Spiffy's eyes came back and he stood up.   
"Oooh, berries!" he said, picking some berries from a nearby bush.  
"Dr. Spiffy! Those are the good tasting berries that are bad for you!" remembered Ash.   
"Huh?" asked Dr. Spiffy. Growl-Stu sighed a mushroom cloud.  
"Nothing," said Ash, and Dr. Spiffy continued stuffing poisonous berries into his mouth.  
"Dr. Spiffy, do you enjoy getting all scary?"  
"No. My nephews, though, are pretty."  
"Maybe we should just leave him here," said Misty.  
Brock was very sad. "I want to take him!"  
They dragged Dr. Spiffy behind them as they walked. The whole way to the dock, Dr. Spiffy was muddling about happy purple mushrooms on the moon. By the time they reached the dock, Dr. Spiffy had returned to normal.  
"Lapras, go!" said Ash, throwing a Pokéball.  
"You have a Lapras?" Misty *inquired *.   
"Of course," said Ash. "Don't you remember?"  
"No," answered Misty.  
"Neither do I," Ash admitted.  
"Aren't you not supposed to be here?" Dr. Spiffy asked Brock. Brock shrugged. "I thought we were supposed to have left you on an island a long time ago!" Dr. Spiffy complained. Brock was confused.  
They all got on the Lapras. Ash flummoxed onto his back and smiled. He was very happy.   
Within five minutes they had reached a nameless island. Lapras returned to his pokeball. "I think our Pokémon need some fresh air," said Ash, reaching for another Pokéball.  
"Growlithe!" Growl-Stu said. He didn't need fresh air.  
"Ash, you just want an excuse to take your Jesse out of its Pokéball!" Misty vociferated. Ash shrugged. Brock was confused.  
"Pokeball, Go!" shouted Ash. Jesse came out of the Pokéball.  
"Jesse!" it said. It was happy to get out of the Pokéball.  
"Look!" Dr. Spiffy uttered, pointing at the sky. Psychic waves were coming out of a huge and obvious satellite dish in the center of the city. Ash, Misty and Brock took no notice. Dr. Spiffy was sad.  
As the psychic waves passed over them, Jesse's eyes suddenly turned red.   
"Jesse, why did you stop?" Ash wondered.  
"JESSE!!" the Jesse screamed. Its hair whipped out and threw Ash back. Ash threw out his arms, knocking everyone else down with him. As Ash stood up, dazed, a frying pan flew and hit him in the face. Then Jesse ran away.  
Suddenly Officer Jenny came zooming around the corner.   
"Please Officer Jenny, you have to help me find my Jesse!" Ash wailed, tears in his eyes, grabbing Officer Jenny's arm.  
Officer Jenny whipped out some handcuffs. "Okay, we'll find your Jesse, but first you're under arrest for being an idiot." she said, snapping the handcuffs onto Ash's wrists.  
"What?" he asked. He was confused. Officer Jenny zoomed away with Ash on her bike.  
"Now what?" asked Dr. Spiffy.   
"We eat!" squealed Brock happily.  
"NO!" shouted Misty, "I'M NOT EATING ANY MORE OF YOUR SPAM OR POTATOES AS LONG AS I LIVE!!!" she hit Brock over the head with a fan. Brock was sad.  
Dr. Spiffy pulled a brochure out of his pants. "There are tours of the city prison every half hour," he said. He looked at his watch. It was 1:30.  
"Let's go!" announced Misty.  
Dr. Spiffy, Brock and Misty all walked into the prison.  
"Ash!" said Brock, "Why are you in a cell?"  
"I got arrested," said Ash.  
"For what?" *inquired * Misty.  
"Being an idiot," Ash answered.  
"It's about time," Dr. Spiffy said.  
"Growl," Growl-Stu agreed.  
After bailing Ash out of jail, they walked and came across a building with a large and obvious satellite dish on the ceiling.   
"This must be where your Jesse went, Ash." Brock said.  
"It is?" asked Dr. Spiffy. He was confused.   
Misty nodded. "Isn't it obvious?"   
They went inside. Two shadowed figures were standing in front of a podium. There was a Pokémon on the podium.   
Suddenly the two shadowed figures came into the light.  
"Wheeeeeeee!!!!" squealed Dr. Spiffy, "It's Butch and Cassidy!!! Hooray!"  
"Prepare for trouble and make it double!" Butch and Cassidy said.  
Dr. Spiffy was twitching with happiness. Ash stepped in front of him.  
"You can't do this to my Jesse! It's my best friend!"   
"Well we'll just see how your 'best friend' feels about that, shall we?" asked Butch, stepping to the side to reveal about twenty Pokémon with red eyes, Jesse in the middle of them.  
"Jesse!" Ash cried. Brock and Misty rolled their eyes. Dr. Spiffy was still twitching.  
Suddenly, light shown on the Pokémon on the podium.   
"Yay! It's their Drowzee!" Dr. Spiffy exclaimed excitedly.  
"What's that?" asked Ash, pointing his Pokédex at the Drowzee. As soon as he did, though, Cassidy jumped away from Dr. Spiffy, who had been walking towards her. She landed in front of Ash's Pokédex.   
"Cassidy," said the Pokédex, "A Rocket Pokémon. The Cassidy shoots poisonous spikes out of the ends of their pigtails, however, they prefer to slap the enemy across the face with the deadly end of the pigtails. Cassidy prefers dark places and harassing next door neighbors. They like to record sightings of these neighbors, and will become distressed if they can't record sightings."  
"Cool! A Cassidy! I'm going to capture it!" said Ash.   
"I'll help you! Magikarp, go!" shouted Misty, tossing a Pokéball. The fanged Magikarp appeared. "Carp!" it said.  
Butch laughed. "A Magikarp?" he asked, walking over to it. "How's a Magikarp going to AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" The Magikarp's head suddenly got big and swallowed Butch whole.  
"Good work! Magikarp, bite!"   
"CARP!" Magikarp screamed, raking its fangs along Cassidy's arm. As she howled in pain, Ash threw a Pokéball and caught the Cassidy.   
"Yay!" he said, twirling around. "I…got…Cassidy!" he said, posing. Dr. Spiffy looked disgruntled.   
Ash managed to stuff his Jesse back into a Pokéball. Suddenly there was an explosion. Everybody came out charred, except Dr. Spiffy, who was still in the smoke.  
They heard a cry of, "Nathan! It's Nathan the Love Monkey!"   
"Grrrrrowl!"  
"Tweak!" shouted Dr. Spiffy. "Growl-Stu, come back!"  
The smoke left, and they saw him. He was standing with a Growlithe.  
"Hi," said Ash.  
"You're weird. Come on, Growlithe," said Dr. Spiffy. His Growlithe came.  
They walked into a wall. "There's a building here," said Ash.  
"Yes, there is," agreed Dr. Spiffy.  
"I wonder what this is," said Misty.  
"Maybe it's a box," said Brock. He was then beat up by the others.  
"I'm going inside," said Ash.  
"Okay," his friends said. They waited outside.  
"He's not coming back," said Misty.  
"Maybe he died!" exclaimed Dr. Spiffy hopefully.  
Brock went inside. He was happy. "There are people in here."  
Misty and Dr. Spiffy followed Brock up a bunch of seizure stairs, and past a bunch of twitching witches. There were ghosts flying around. "This is the Pokémon Tower." Dr. Spiffy knew where they were.  
After a few hours of searching, they realized that Ash was not there.  
"He's not here," said Misty. They left.  
"Look," said Brock, "a house!"   
"Let's ask if whoever lives there has seen Ash," suggested Dr. Spiffy.  
They broke in through the window. Ash was there with an old man.  
"Hi!" he exclaimed. "Where were you guys?"  
"Where were we?" asked Misty. "You were the one who was lost!"  
"No, I was just saving lives!"  
"What?" asked Brock, who was confused.  
"I saved this old guy, and he gave me presents!"  
"Okay, what did he give you?" asked Dr. Spiffy.  
"A flute," replied Ash. He blew into it, and it screeched, "Amos Amadamos!"  
"Wow! It speaks Swahili!" Dr. Spiffy delivered.  
"That's… nice. How did you know that?" asked Ash.  
"I am fluent in Swahili and Argentinean!" shouted Dr. Spiffy. "Didn't you know that?"  
"I can play a flute," said Ash. They were all very proud of him.  
Mr. Fuji was eating Pokémon in the corner.  
"What are you doing?" demanded Brock.  
"Eating," replied Mr. Fuji, while chewing a mouthful of geodude.  
"But I didn't cook that!" wailed Brock. He threw the charred Pokémon out the broken window. "I'll cook for you," he volunteered.  
"Okay," said Mr. Fuji.  
Brock made him some Spam. Then the others dragged him out through the window. It was very broken.  
On their way down the street, they heard Mr. Fuji scream.  
"We hate you, Brock!" said Misty.  
"Yeah, you killed Mr. Fuji! Now he won't give me any more presents!" cried Ash. "Tweak!" he yelled, as his head grew.  
Dr. Spiffy was disturbed. "I'm going home!" he blubbed. He began running. Ash, Misty and Brock ran after him.  
"You're only thirteen, and you have a house?" *inquired * Misty.  
"Well, you're only thirteen and you're pregnant!" Dr. Spiffy retorted. Misty was thrown into a state of self-conscious distress.  
A few minutes later, they were still walking, Misty was still put to the blush, Brock was still confused, and Ash was still half-assed.  
Tracey came.  
"Tracey, why are you here?" *inquired * Misty.  
"I came to be," said Tracey. He began to be while walking with them.  
They walked for a while. Everyone hated Tracey.  
"We should kill him," fizzled Ash. "But I'm out of escape ropes."  
"We'll just throw him over there," suggested Misty.  
"We'll cook him and feed him to my Spam," said Brock.  
Dr. Spiffy twitched like a witch. "A sail, a sail, you social climber you!" He twitched a bit more loudly and his eyes rolled up into his head. "Scoot off to scoom now, Nathan!" He seized. "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes, you ****ing *****!" Again, a slight seizure erupted. "I'm a ****ing genius!" He yelled, pounding his fists on the road. "You'll be sorry, Aunt Mabel! You threw away my poems! When I'm famous, you'll be… Growl-Stu, come back!"  
Growl-Stu came back. So did Dr. Spiffy's eyes.  
"Hey, there are your eyes. I'm going to capture them," said Tracey.  
Dr. Spiffy clinched Tracey and giggled.  
"What do you mean you're going to capture his eyes?" asked Brock, who was, of course, confused.  
"Don't you know? I'm a Pokémon watcher! I capture things on paper!" he exclaimed.  
"A Pokémon watcher? You made that up!" Ash screaked.  
"No," said Dr. Spiffy. "They have to be real. Dork watchers are real."  
Brock was confused.  
Everyone watched Dr. Spiffy recite a… poem, which he wrote, being the ****ing genius that he was.  
"The dork watchers watch the dorks while the dork watcher watchers watch the dork watchers watching the dorks. But the dorks ARE the dork watcher watchers that the dork watchers are wa-ching!"  
They all snapped their fingers and smiled.  
They walked to Dr. Spiffy's house, and he opened the door, because he had the key. The rest of them didn't.  
They headed into the kitchen, which was next to the bathroom.  
There were four boxes on the counter.  
"Why are there four boxes on the counter?" *inquired * Misty.  
"Three of them contain…" Dr. Spiffy sighed happily, "my needles!"  
"What about the fourth one?" asked Tracey.  
"Oh, that's just a rejected gummi worm," replied Dr. Spiffy, looking in the fourth box at the rejected gummi worm.  
Dr. Spiffy turned his back to wash Growl-Stu in the sink. He was talking about papayas.  
There was a loud crash.   
"And they're fun to smash with mal…" Dr. Spiffy turned around. His head got big.  
"TRACEY! YOU'RE LYING IN MY NEEDLES!!! GET OUT!!!!!!!" he fumed unhappily.  
Tracey moaned in pain.  
"Ha, ha!" laughed Ash. "There are needles in your head!"  
Dr. Spiffy removed Tracey from the needles and demanded to know why he had been breathing easily in the needles.  
"We threw him there," announced Brock.  
"Yes," confirmed Misty, "he should die."  
Dr. Spiffy put his hands over his face and began to cry.  
There was a scraping-of-ice sound coming from the freezer, which was in the kitchen with our friends.  
Ash was scared. So he said, "Let's make spaghetti!"  
They made spaghetti. It was sitting on a plate.  
"We'll eat it in the living room," said Brock.  
They walked into the living room behind Ash, who was holding the heaping plate of spaghetti. He just happened to slip on a Pokéball, which just happened to be lying there, and the spaghetti just happened to land upside-down on the carpet, which just happened to be white.  
Dr. Spiffy was corybantic. "Why did you spill spaghetti all over my new white urimu carpet?" he demanded.  
"I was scared!" replied Ash.  
"Why?" asked Dr. Spiffy.  
"Because, someone's digging through the ice in your freezer."  
"No they aren't, what are you talking about, Young Drunk One?"  
"Don't you hear that digging sound? There's someone breaking into the house. THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE FREEZER!"  
"I hear it but – NO ONE'S IN MY FREEZER!"  
Dr. Spiffy opened the freezer. Prof. Oak was standing there.  
Tracey was all sprightly, like the daffodils' dancing.  
Prof. Oak said, "Ash, I need to rate your Pokédex!  
"157 Pokémon seen, 8 Pokémon caught. My god! You suck!" Happy music played, and he disappeared down the hole in the freezer that he had neatly chiseled.   
They walked to Dr. Spiffy's backyard. The sky was gray, and the floor was a frozen ocean. Three legendary birds were killing each other in the sky.   
A Kick-Ass Flying Machine descended from above. Dr. Spiffy warbled and clinched it.   
Lugia appeared and tried to hyper beam the other birds to death. One died. The balance was screwed up. The other two birds killed Lugia back. Lugia fell through the frozen ocean. His voice echoed: "I……………………………………………………………………………..quit,"   
"Lugia quit," Ash informed everybody. Since the world had turned to him, they were forced to listen. "Listen up!" he yelled. Dr. Spiffy unclinched the Kick-Ass Flying Machine. "Lugia quit! We need someone to be the new sea god!" he announced.  
"Tracey will!" said Misty, pushing him into the sea.  
Tracey jumped up. He was the sea god. He hyper beamed the other two birds to death, and they died. The balance was restored. He swam into the sunset, and they threw poisonous tomatoes at him as he paddled away.  
They went inside to the kitchen, where they decided to sleep. Dr. Spiffy needed a bedtime story, so he read Sharing the Skies: Tolerating the Existence of Clouds by Dr. Spiffy. He wrote it himself, because he was such a ****ing genius. They went to sleep. Ash was snoring. Dr. Spiffy poked him.  
"Dr. Spiffy ayah," Ash warbled in his sleep.  
"Ash, you're snoring! Stop it!" Dr. Spiffy whispered.  
"I'm sorry. I need to get the position," Ash answered. He turned over. Five minutes later, he stood up and banged into the freezer repeatedly. Misty was angry. She got up and shook Ash.   
Ash woke up. "Where am I?" he asked, confused. "The conga?"  
Misty threw some ice at him and knocked him out. Then she dragged him back to the sleeping bags, where they slept.  
They came in through the bathroom window. They were Prof. Ivy and her Toad Button. She sent Toad Button into the kitchen to find something to kill them all with. Toad Button found the boxes of needles, but reprobated them because they had pieces of Tracey the Sea God in them. Then she found the… gummi worm. She brought the worm back to Prof. Ivy, who walked into the kitchen and proceeded to kill them with it, only they didn't die. Prof. Ivy was discouraged. She and Toad Button left.  
The next morning, everybody woke up.   
"OH MY GOD! I'VE BEEN MURDERED WITH A GUMMI WORM!!!" Ash cried. He was very gummi.   
Dr. Spiffy went into his room. When he came out, his hair was combed and he had stopped spazzing. Growlithe was right behind him. He was wearing a shirt that said 'Hating is Healthy'. On the back of the shirt, it said, 'It's Healthy to Hate.'  
"Let's go back to Pewter city," said Brock.   
They began walking. They walked to the water, then rode Lapras and were a bit too happy on him.   
Ash began bouncing. By the time they were in Cerulean City, he was full of beef.  
"Ash, I think you have ADD," said Misty.  
"I don't have AD- hey! There's a little tree! It's on fire!"  
Brock was embarrassed.  
"I wonder how- wait, was that a- no, here it- crapthathurt!" Ash was scooting around on a scooter. He fell into an uncomfortable position on the scooter. "Ah, my balls!" he cried.  
"You should get away from that scooter," Dr. Spiffy warned. "And you should have some of this." Misty and Dr. Spiffy pumped Ash full of Ritalin. They gave him two big tons, and he calmed down a bit. Then, they gave him more. A few pump-filled hours later, Ash couldn't move anything but his mouth. He was concentrating very well.   
"I am unable to move my eyes," he announced.  
"Good, then you're focusing," said Dr. Spiffy.  
"Did you know that by connecting realistic spin glass models at low temperature to the highly distorted model at zero temperature, I argue that ordinary Edwards –Anderson spin glasses below eight dimensions have at most a single pair of physically relevant pure states at nonzero temperature? I will also discuss exotic scenarios that evade this conclusion," said Ash quickly, staring straight ahead.  
"He still talks at twice the speed of light," complained Misty.  
"Then he needs more Ritalin!" exclaimed Dr. Spiffy.  
They gave him more.  
"I think he's dead," said Brock. The others agreed. But then Ash's finger twitched a bit.  
"No, he's just got too much Ritalin in him. We need to give him something that makes him active," said Dr. Spiffy.  
"How about caffeine?" asked Misty.  
"Okay," said Dr. Spiffy. They pumped caffeine into their friend in small amounts – so that they'd get the dosage correct. Every time his small body was pumped, Ash would shriek slightly. "Eeeep………Eeeeep……………Eeeeep……………Eeeeep!" he kept shrieking slightly.  
Soon he was back to normal.  
They continued walking to Pewter City.  
"I really have to go," whined Brock.  
"You can wait," said Dr. Spiffy.  
They were very close to Pewter City.  
"I left my brothers and sisters with my good-for-nothing father months ago after giving him thirty seconds of child care tips. I bet they're all dead by now," said Brock.  
They got to Pewter City. Brock was right. He still had to go. He went.  
A few hours later, the townspeople were gathered outside, trying to break down the door. "We hate you Brock!" they chanted. "You have clogged the Pewter City Toilet!"  
Brock transformed into Apron Man, and his lucky Pewter City Plunger helped him.  
They continued walking, until they found a James. His toes were in a microphone and he was singing slightly.  
"What's that?" squacked Ash. "Pokédex, go!" The Pokédex went. "James, a Stealing Pokémon," said the Pokédex. "James has been hunted almost to death because of the magical evolution power of their feet. Believed to have descended from the ancient extinct Pokémon Tuxedo Mask, this Pokemon has a history of teaching itself to speak when left in the wild."  
"Everybody wants a James foot these days," Misty sighed. "I wish I had one."  
"I'll capture it for you, then, Misty!" shouted Ash. He threw a Pokéball. "Jesse, go!" he said. Jesse came out of the Pokéball. "Jesse?" it asked. It looked around and saw the James. "Jesse!" it said happily.  
"Jesse, frying pan smash, now!" Ash bellowed.   
"Jesse!" said Jesse, her eyes going all sparkly.  
"James!" cried the James.  
"Jesse!"  
"James!"  
"Jesse!"  
"James!"  
"Wow, this must be some kind of mating ritual," guessed Dr. Spiffy.   
"NO! I do not wish for my Jesse to mate!" Ash objected.  
Brock pulled out a notepad and scrawled. "But Ash!" he whined, "I want to learn about mating!"   
"NO! I do not wish for Brock to learn how to mate!" Ash jibbed. "Jesse, return!" he yelled. Jesse returned.  
The James was pissed off. "JAMES!" it yelled, pelting Ash with roses. "Rose throw," said the Pokédex, "The James' most powerful move. Doesn't it suck?"  
"Yes," Ash answered. "Pokéball, Go!" he shouted, throwing a Pokéball. Cassidy came out. It saw the James. "YESSSSS!!!" it cried.  
"Ash," said Dr. Spiffy, "I don't think that you should take out another female Rocket Pokémon."  
"Why?" asked Ash. "I want to catch the James, and these are my only Pokémon!"  
"But…" Dr. Spiffy protested.  
"NO!" said, Ash, holding out his hand and leaning away from Dr. Spiffy. He turned around. "Now, Cassidy, poison… oh wow."  
Cassidy looked very pleased with itself. The James was lying on the ground with poisonous spikes in its chest.   
"Good work Cassidy!" Ash exclaimed. "Pokéball, go!" Ash shouted, throwing an empty Pokéball. It caught James.  
"Yay!" Ash peached. "I…got…James!" he yelled, twirling around.  
"God, Ash, you're dumb," said Misty.  
"Yes," agreed Brock. "We should go to school."  
"What?" *inquired * Misty.  
"School," said Ash. "I went there once when I was three, but I was kicked out."  
"His mom ran out of money from buying so much Ritalin, and then they ran out of that, so…" said Brock.  
Dr. Spiffy used his imagination.  
The Pokéflute spoke.  
"I wish I was fluent in Swahili," said Ash.  
"Well I ascertained that back in… Oh my god! School! I have to go back!" exclaimed Dr. Spiffy.  
"Why?" *inquired * Misty.  
"Because! I'm thirteen! I am still on a quest for knowledge!" he cried.  
"Doidy," said Ash. "That's ponyta poo."   
"Okay," said Brock. "We're going to school."  
They went to school.  
There was a teacher in their classroom.   
Everybody sat at a desk.  
"My name is Sr. Sacapuntas," said Sr. Sacapuntas. His name was on the blackboard. His voice sounded soft, like a girl's.  
"Hey, your name is Spanish!" said Ash. "I know some Spanish!" he jumped up and shook Sr. Sacapuntas' hand.  
"I love," he said. "No, no wait, that's wrong… enchanted! No, that's not it either… wait… oh yeah! ¿Apreciaría usted a sea alimentado a un Raticate enfermo?"  
Sr. Sacapuntas looked at Ash exotically. "Would I like to be fed to a rabid Raticate?" he asked, bewildered. Dr. Spiffy dragged Ash to a desk and tied him to it.  
Misty was uncomfortable. She had never sat in one place so long before. "My butt hurts," she announced. Sr. Sacapuntas sweatdropped and cleared his throat.   
"Well, that's very interesting, Misty, but don't interrupt. Now, I would like you all to write an essay on what you did over the summer," He looked at his class. It contained four people and a Pokémon.   
Dr. Spiffy went right to work. Ash wrote with his mouth because he was tied to the chair. Brock looked at his pen. He was confused.  
"What is this?" he asked.   
"A pen," said Sr. Sacapuntas. "Un boligrafo."  
Brock was still confused. "What does it do?" he wondered to himself. He banged the pen on the desk a couple of times. It exploded, splattering him and everyone around him with orange ink.  
Sr. Sacapuntas smiled. "That reminds me of a program I saw on the splattering of blood," he said in his odd voice, "I know it was gruesome, but it was very interesting. You see, this man was accused of his wife's brutal murder. By studying the blood splatters on the wall, they found that she was struck in the head over and over. They were able to prove that the husband was innocent by looking at the splatters of blood and the size of the drops."  
Misty hollered New York on her paper. She had to start over.  
"I'm sorry. Was my story too gory?" to answer his question, Ash fainted.  
"It's too bad Ms. Ketchum didn't know about this. She wouldn't have had to waste so much money on Ritalin," said Sr. Sacapuntas thoughtfully. He walked over to Ash, who woke up.  
"Mr. Ketchum, would you like to share your story with the class?"  
"Untie me!" Ash squeaked. Dr. Spiffy untied him. Ash stood in the front of the class with his story.  
"Over the summer I researched plankton which feed fish in the ocean which is made of salt which has sodium which is found on the table of elements which is hanging up in the back of my science classroom which I go to on Mondays and Wednesdays because of block schedules but sometimes I go Fridays because we have early release almost every Friday this year and we didn't have early release every Friday last year because…"   
"Ash, I think that's enough," said Sr. Sacapuntas, sweatdropping. "Get the Ritalin," he whispered to his evil henchman.   
Ash was bouncing. Misty was blowing her lunch. Dr. Spiffy was working. Growl-Stu belonged to a band called the Love Machines. He played the kazoo. He was practicing. Brock was confused. Sr. Sacapuntas was on the verge of having a mental breakdown. So he sent them out to recess.  
Dr. Spiffy was upset. "We don't have recess for another hour and a half!" he whined. "How will I ever complete my knowledge quest?"   
"Look! Darts!" cried Brock happily. Everybody except for Dr. Spiffy and Growl-Stu happily frolicked towards the darts. They started playing a game of darts. It was fun. Near the middle of the game, tribulations occurred.  
"But A-ash," Brock whined, "I don't wanna pick Misty's darts!"  
"Brock," Ash patiently explained, "I picked your darts, and Misty picked my darts, so you have to pick Misty's darts."  
"NOOOOO!!!!" Brock wailed. "ANYTHING BUT THAT!"  
"Picking my darts can't be that bad, can it?" *inquired * Misty, sniffling. She was hurt.   
Dr. Spiffy backed away slowly. He tripped over Growl-Stu, and shrieked, "NO! Watch out for those flirtatious napkins!" He twitched, and his eyes went away. He started muttering about cubed inches of cheese. "Sticky and Alakaboo! Come back!" He turned his head towards Ash. "Since my hair is brown, if you put a brown stone on my head, I'd turn into Alakaboo. And if you put the stone on Nicky's head, he'd turn into Sticky. Or Hickey. But we'd prefer Sticky." His eyes rolled back to their previous position and he stood up and brushed himself off. "Sorry, Growlithe," he apologized.  
They walked back to class. Misty was upset. Brock had darts in his head. They sat down at their desks to learn science.  
"We're baaaaaack!" announced Ash proudly.   
"Oh no!" said Sr. Sacapuntas with a Spanish accent, his eyebrows getting all screwy. His face went back to normal. "It's time to learn about science," he said. He poured beans into a cup. Then he poured water into a cup. "What can we learn from this?" he asked.  
Everybody was confused.  
Misty raised her hand. "Yes, Misty?" asked Sr. Sacapuntas.  
"Those beans are chunky," Misty observed.  
"Yes," said Sr. Sacapuntas, "That was a good observation. But what can we *conclude * about this? Yes, Ash?"  
"Chunky beans will fall into a cup."  
"Okay, not quite. Brock?"  
"Water flows like chunky beans?"  
"No, not really… Misty?"  
"Beans flow like chunky water."  
Sr. Sacapuntas sighed. "Yes, Misty, beans flow like chunky water." He then said to the class, "Please, just study Spanish now." He then walked into the staff room carrying large quantities of chocolate and started crying.  
Dr. Spiffy was very uncomfortable. His knees were about to break his desk. He put his feet on the back of Ash's desk.  
Ash was studying Spanish. He turned around.  
"Hey," he said, "Get tu feeto out of my pupitre!!!"  
"I can't," explained Dr. Spiffy. "If I do, my knees will break the desk."  
An anger vein popped up on Ash's head. He took Dr. Spiffy's pencil.  
"Yo stealo tu lapiz por que you wouldn't get your feeto off my seato," reasoned Ash.  
"Ash, stop being stupid and let me write!!!" said Brock, who was trying to happily scribble away.  
"Oh come on, you know you all love me," said Ash, beaming. "I'm everybody's friend! If some crazy guy with a gun came into this room right now, everybody'd probably say, 'No! Not Ash! Shoot anyone but Ash!'"  
Everybody chuckled. Sr. Sacapuntas cleared his throat in the staff room.  
"Oh all right," Ash hung his head, "I know that if some crazy guy with a gun came into this room right now, everybody'd say, 'Shoot Ash! Shoot Ash! Shoot HIM, not me!!!'"  
"That's more likely to happen," agreed Misty.  
"What?" cried Ash. They all began wrestling on the floor. Growlithe was the referee.  
Sr. Sacapuntas came out of his office, still crying. "Leave!" he shouted. "Just go away and leave me alone!"  
"But why?" *inquired * Misty.  
"I just can't take you guys anymore!" he wailed. Then he ran back into his office sobbing. He returned only to grab his evil henchman and some chocolate, then went back into his office.  
"I think we should go," said Brock.  
They left.   
Dr. Spiffy looked at a map. "Hey!" he shouted, "We're only three miles away from Fraternity City! That's where my other house is. We should visit."  
"Okay," agreed the others. They were on the way to Fraternity City.  
"Dr. Spiffy, I think we should chill," suggested Brock. Dr. Spiffy agreed. They went up ahead and chilled.  
"Ash, I am going to give birth," announced Misty.  
"I know," said Ash. He began whistling.   
"You idiot! I am having a child!"  
"When?"  
"NOW!"  
"Oh." said Ash. He began bouncing. "I'm going to be a mommy!" he happily chanted.  
"Get a doctor!" wailed Misty. She was in great pain.  
Ash was still excited. "Brock! Dr. Spiffy! Growlithe!" Ash yelled. "I'm having a baby!"  
They came running. "Whoa," said Dr. Spiffy. "I've gotta see this!"  
They arrived. "Oh." Dr. Spiffy was disappointed. "Misty's having a baby."  
"I need a doctor!" Misty wailed again.  
Brock reached into his pants. "I know it's around here somewhere…" he mumbled. "Aha!" He pulled a Nurse Joy out of his pants.  
"Ew!" said Dr. Spiffy.  
"Hello, Dr. Spiffy," said Nurse Joy.  
"A REAL doctor!" cried Misty.  
"Oh, Doctor Proctor!" sang Brock down his pants. Dr. Proctor's head stuck out of Brock's pants. "You called?" he asked.  
"She's giving birth." Brock pointed at Misty, who was giving birth.  
Doctor Proctor jumped out and landed next to Misty, who was lying on the ground and crying hysterically.  
"Hallo, Misty," said Dr. Proctor.  
"Pain… must… have… drugs…" panted Misty.  
"Well, I seem to have forgotten my recording of Wedding Day at Troldhaugen…" said Dr. Proctor.  
"Not those kinds of drugs! I need prescription medication!" she informed him loudly.  
"I have none of THOSE drugs. Oh, wait! Ritalin! This will calm you down!" Dr. Proctor produced some Ritalin.   
After one dose, Misty was unconscious. A baby was born.   
"Ew," said Dr. Spiffy.  
"It's a girl!" everybody else cheered.   
Misty woke up.  
"It's a Toby!" she cheered.  
"Dr. Proctor, Nurse Joy, return!" called Brock. They dove down his pants.  
They continued down the road. "Curse that town…" mumbled Ash.  
"What?" asked Dr. Spiffy, who had not heard.  
"Oh, nothing," replied Ash. Dr. Spiffy put his arms around his friends and happily whistled.   
Our many friends walked off into the sunset, sharing a joyful moment of friendship. Toby spit up.   
"Ew," said Dr. Spiffy.  
Brock was confused.  
  
THE END  
Or is it?  



End file.
